Lost and Found

There is a story told about my husband’s aunt and uncle who lived in rural Illinois. After driving around and around getting further and further lost, the aunt spotted a farmer out in a field on his tractor. Believing he could help them find their destination, she immediately insisted that her husband stop the car and get out and ask the farmer if he knew anything. To which the uncle finally agreed. He pulled over and walked to the fence. He motioned the old farmer over. Slowly, the tractor made its way to the edge of the field bordering the road. Slowly, the farmer got out of his tractor and ambled over to where the uncle was standing. The uncle looked him up and down and said, “My wife wants to know if you know anything.” At this the old farmer stopped, looked at the uncle and replied, “Nope. I don’t guess I do.” At which point the farmer went back to his tractor and the uncle, back to the car. His wife immediately demanded, “Well? Did he know anything?” To which the uncle replied, “Nope. I don’t guess he did.” All I can say is that it is a damn good thing she was not privy to the preceding conversation.

If I ever get lost, I have told my husband to grab the nearest female to help him look for me. Otherwise, I swear to god, he will drive by my last known location, roll down the window, slow down, look out the open window and go “Nope. Not here.” and drive on home. I don’t for one minute believe that this is confined to him; I think it goes with the testosterone territory.

Men have a kind of selective homing sense. They can’t find a car in the driveway but that last pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream that you’ve hidden underneath four packages of frozen hamburger meat, 2 boxes of corn and a roll of low cal ice cream sandwiches is just not safe. Trust me on this one.

Part of it ladies, is our fault. They ask where it is. We tell them. They tell us it isn’t there. Then WE jump up to prove – YES – THERE IT IS, RIGHT WHERE I SAID IT WAS. So let’s see what just really happened. They weren’t motivated to look for it in the first place – they knew that. They also KNEW which of our buttons to push. They knew that if they didn’t really look, we would stop whatever we were doing, run over there and just GET THE DAMN THING FOR THEM. I believe that generations of women have actually altered the DNA of men so that they are no longer able to locate things even with directions. In a few short thousand years from now, men will stop even looking for things. This will become known exclusively as the province of females and emerge as a marketable skill. Single men will be able to hire women to find a whole range of items from car keys to girlfriends.

I have a mania about lost things. They unsettle me. If I’ve realized I’ve lost something, I really can’t focus properly until I find it. I once bought one of those clapping devices that help you find lost keys. That worked great until I lost the clappy thing. To be fair, it was pretty small. If it were the size of say, my REFRIGERATOR, it might not have been an issue. Also, I have never, ever, ONCE lost my refrigerator. Or forgotten where it was. If anyone comes up with a refrigerator that can also find lost keys, I will be all over it.

So that’s the word for today. If you will excuse me, I have to go do something. Just can’t remember what it is . . .